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Monday, February 14th, 2005
9:03 am
It's been a SERIOUSLY long time since i wrote in this.
[for people who read this...which is probably no one...I have a separate journal which is waaay more up beat haha this is like my sappy journal.)
I moved to london. When I first got here I stayed with my brother and his friend Kenya [white african] his real name is david lol. His family owns colgate so they bought him a house here and when i first got here it was one of the nicest houses i've ever been in. Him and my brother still live there.
I then moved into a dorm full of was lame..its really hard to make good cash in london so I ended up getting really depressed because I couldn't pay my rent.
Then i met peter. the best thing that has EVER happened to me. He's happy for me when i'm sad, he laughs when i bitch at him, he loves me for no reason. Anyways....his family is pretty rich too... so they let me move in with them. They even gave me my own room.... (the most comfy room EVER let me tell you...and its PINK! hehehhe) so ya. They're australian. If it wasn't for them i probably wouldn't even have applied for university this year. Plus peter's dad is a proffeser and his mom is a computer technician at western so it is VERY likely I will get accepted.
And here I am. Really REALLY fucking happy. I have tons of great friends....who are GOING places and i never have to worry about one does here. I even get a ride to and from school every single morning. I ride to the gym whenever i want....i free gym pass...a free math tutor (the most recommended math tutor in the city)
and i'm just really fucking happy.

I hope it lasts.
happy valentines day baby.

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Friday, August 6th, 2004
Well this has been long overdue aha

I've got my own apartment now. I dropped out of school last semester but am regestering at a new school across the street.

Emotionally ..I've noticed some falters...but when I think back to grade 9 or 10..I realize that my self esteem has risin a great deal. Self esteem is possibly the single most important thing a person has to cherish, if this is depleted or being stabbed at, I guarentee it should be the first thing you take time to heal. Without self-esteem there is no socializing, no caring, no feelings nothing.
there ARE aspects of my life that make me feel great, on the other hand there are aspects of my life which continuously tear away at my self-esteem. Because I'm strong, I don't let my shell down about this. IT SUUUUUUUCKS! lol. So lately I feel I should do something about it simply because it's starting to get to me. I can feel the depression comming on...and I'm not the type of person who is able to pull herself out of a depression quickly. It'll be a very selfish act but a well overdue one.

I guess that's it. My love for music is continuing to grow and love for human beings is huge now and they continue to amaze me all the time. I guess my "quest" to be a "good person" continues as well...not that I'm less of that, just that I believe if we all tried a little bit harder we could be MORE of that.

hee hee.
and....OH SNAP!!

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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
9:25 am


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Thursday, February 12th, 2004
2:46 pm
I am so happy.

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Wednesday, February 11th, 2004
11:23 am
holy work last night was HELL. It was so fucking boring I was doing a bank of montreal study (whoooopy.) fucking kill me. grr.

shawn called again <3 lol he wants to move in with me in may! I told him if he could get another job then ya (he only works part time.)

I think I'm getting sick. I forgot to eat yesterday and then today when I ate my heart started going fast (processing of heat and what not) I BLAME THE CARBS.

omgomgomg sourkee.

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Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
10:58 am - Hulla
haha i just finished looking at the hulla peectArs. They amused me to no end. I still wish I could have gone lol.

I found that random CD amanda and I used to play in communications technology last year hahahahhaa omg it's so funny . It's totally hers I wonder if I just never gave it back :/ lol. whatever though I listened to it in media art today (same classroom) haha FLASHBACK whAt. hee hee. cool. "I was born in new jersey i said it before but i guess nobody heard me". lol it's funny because the entire CD skips. There's actually a really good song on there I never heard before.
lol. that was random.

omg I'm so excited for the drunkenness this weekend!!!! baaaaaaaaaaaah. and ketamine, of course. and e. hahahaha wow. I'm not an addict babbbbbbbbbyyy that's no lieeeeeeeeee.

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10:23 am - French Connection UK
aww i missed him so much! We're meeting up sometime this week to smoke lotsaweed. hehe. He's fucking wicked.

Me and pat went to sherway last night and I bought a shirt. I totally could'nt afford it because it's from Holt Renfrew (French connection shirt) but it's fucking beautiful. It's for valentines day it says :
If you love something,
Let it go free.
If it doesn't come back,
Who gives a FCUK

haha just like that. omg it's fucking great. I'm in fucking love with it. But again i couldn't afford it. MEH. hee hee. YAY.

haha i can't believe imma see shawn. daYum i miss him.

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Monday, February 9th, 2004
2:17 pm - omgomgomg

Josh Da Funky 1
The Beat freakers
Dominik Vs. Jorah Kai
Apathy vs. Kamikaze (omg wow...that's exciting)
Dr. Fritz
Frisky vs. D-minus
Justin Tyce
Kink vs.Sebby Bozak
Marty Mcfly
Plastic Motive
silver 1

I am like really excited. wow.

my weekend was alright. I think something is happening with Gonz and his g/f because he's hitting on my like woah. it's weird. I just want to be friends. I'm doing my math ISU with Marc haha now imma get 90. I want Ketamine (still). hee hee. uuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kevin came over last night he's HAWT>

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Friday, February 6th, 2004
11:31 am - Philosophical Ash-Lee
hee hee

ok. Here it is. If a person loves somebody because they are constantly hanging out with them...the truth is that they do not really love them because they're actually very immature in nature. They havn't figured out how to "put themselves out there" yet. So they THINK they love somebody because they feel dependent. Dependence is the fault of our society....we see it in kids...children...women in abusive relationships...women in general really...friendships etc. BULLSHIT> hee hee.

omg i'm so sad because I can't go to hulla =( and derek has presents for me!! damnit shelly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! oh well he's going to call me anyway.

ew work sucks.


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Thursday, February 5th, 2004
11:22 am - OpTionAl
(insert classified reason for this thought here)
I think sometimes I take this concept for granted because the people that surround me seem to have only friendships of true value and love, but the truth is I'm just surrounded by the most amazing, unique people in the entire world... so that which seems like a relationship regular is actually something that should be cherished and held close for the rest of my life. Thank you patrick.

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Wednesday, February 4th, 2004
11:25 am

my new classes ROCK. I hated them before but they're fun. I have nothing to say....I'm really not sure why I'm still writing...

ketamine plZ.

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Monday, February 2nd, 2004
4:04 pm - fAAAAAAAAck
baha. I realize after reading that entry how contradicting the whole judgement thing was after calling jeff and his friends a loser. bahahahah but funny still. And plus I've found a loophole....I accept my own judegement. see! ash has got edge. hee hee.

DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE I FOUND A MIXER!! I swear to god it was on the side of the road. bahaha. It was great. And its all silver and puuuurdy.

I can't get the breaks mix of 7 nation army out of my head. it's so great..... DUN DUN NU NU NU NUUUUUU NUUUUUUUUUU. and somebody to love...DONT YOU WANT/sdgsadgsl;agjdjsajgplz. hee hee. And TOXIC (fucking whatever its good)boooys like you should where a warnnnniiiiinnn....

sladgjlsagjlkjgaslgjlasgj. I bought my ticket for sourkey. I couldn't afford it...but I decided it's better than hulla. I'm still scared about moving out...I feel I should worry about it more than I do....


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3:37 pm
haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Sorry just felt like doing that.

yeah so my weekend was hell. HELL>fucking hell. I worked 20 one fucking weekend...shoot me. please. kthxbye. hee hee. haha jeff wants to play RISK with me. actually he wants to organize like a risk party or something with a bunch of people and lots of sounds fun only not with him and his loser friends (haha I'm such a bitch)....but yeah. Plus I'm like crazy fanatic INSANE risk player.....and I get all competetive and shit (haha amanda knows) and there's not use arguing with idiots like Jeff.

I'm working every fucking day. kill me. KILL ME. omg my new semester is rediculous too...fucking Media Arts is like a reoccurance of communications technology...I'm dropping it because Cosgrove is like a militant...haha fucking stupid fucking people.

I've come to a conclusion that the only way to be truly happy with your life is too be absolutely absent of judgement...and completely uneffected by the judgement of others. It's going well, seriously haha. yeah whatever FUCKKVDSLJGVKLSGJDLSKJGVFUCK


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Wednesday, January 28th, 2004
2:08 pm - Tai CRAP
Is it wrong to constantly want to be high or drunk? probably.

I forgot to mention my tai food experience!!!! haha me and colin and sarah went to a tai restaurant:

Once upon a time there was an Ashley who had never had Tai food. Ashley called up Collin and asked sarah to go to LemonGrass. When Ashley arrived with her friends after a long trudge through snow, she was greeted by a friendly japanese women dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. Already amazed with the class of this restaurant, she asked for a table for 3...moving about 3 steps, the japanese woman grabbed a table from across the room and dragged it to the front door beside a table for 2, then proceded to ask the table behind her if they were using their spare chair. So the children sat. As Ashley looked through the paper menue, she saw things written in a language she'd never seen before..and ordered the "Tai soup" with some other words after it. When the soup arrived with collin and sarah's dish's, she noticed she did not recieve the same soup spoon as collin and sarah. Ashley, confused and high, asked the strange japanese woman in jeans why she did not recieve the same spoon...the japanese woman finally spoke...(a surprise considering she had been fearcely nodding previously) she said in a strange voice..."no we have spoon not now." Ashley just desregarded the question considering she didn't know what the hell the woman was saying and was kind of frightened by her intense look. The food was cold and hot. Ashley lost again. And died.

I liked the ending of that one.
anyways i hate tai food i wanna die.

hee hee

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1:13 pm

I'm doing amazingly though hee hee, they're so easy....yet so goddam stressful. I just decided that ryan is smart. hee hee. ANYWAYS....yeah as far as moving out goes....I'm aloud to stay with Josh free of charge if I absolutly have no where to go so it takes a bit of stress off my shoulders. So far I've saved 300 dollars (hahahaha I'm a prostar) and only....five thousand to go!! yay me. I'm going to sell drugs haha...hopefully ketamine (that's if I don't do it all lol) alf's hookin me up. HOORAY? WHORE_YAY!!!!!!!! I love alf. where is he anyway? (I havn't actually asked him yet...but I know he'll let me...haha dayum aren't I productive?) gosh. lsdkajglsajg;lkj;saldglksadgljg.

Life is great. Patrick might move out with me (if he's not going strait to college) but I don't think he'll go to college so it's all good. lkdsjgllsggdjalg. WEMF. (yes i'm already looking forward to it).

I'm pissed because I was suppose to go to derek's after hulla but now I can't afford hulla! damn me. damn the money. maybe i'll go anyway? If i can get ahold of K before hulla then I'll go and sell it all....hmmmm....

hee hee

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Saturday, January 24th, 2004
3:46 pm - la la la.
can't move in with fernando or adam.

Josh wants me to move in with him but we'd have to share a room. I don't really want to do that....but Taya is moving out in september so if I do go somewhere it could be temporary. What i really want to do is move downtown with a roomate...on top of one of those shitty stores near that park where oms not bombs was (omg I miss). But I can't find a roomate...even if people ARE moving out it's not until after school ends...and I have to move out in May. ugh it's so faulty. I could always live with my uncle until september...fuck no. no way. Besides, despite my depression/stress I'm actually quite excited about finally moving out on my own...I mean common CHEESE AND ONGION PIE PARTY! haha yay. and a liquor cabinet! my very own hahahahha. YES> I can finally be the alcoholic I've always wanted to be. Gonzo told me he'd move in with me in a year lol but he's no help.

I'm fine with moving's just I'm really stressed about a roomate because I can't afford it on my own.

fucking patrick is being a retard too. He fucking bought a credit card and is blowing like massive amounts on alcohol. fuckign idiot. My friends are never there when I need them the most. BULLSHIT.


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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
8:49 am
I think I'm moving in with Fernando. Either that or I'm going to London to live with my brother.

Good times. Only not so much. hee hee.

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Monday, January 19th, 2004
1:32 pm - False.
I feel... so empty and unwanted.

how is it that I make the house "abnormal" or in Bills words he needs things "back to normal" yet my situation with them right now IS "normal" for me. Nobody understands how that feels. Never being loved....ever. It's proven that (mr borbos just asked me why I was crying and I told him I yawned) human beings need touch and effection AND love in order to survive...I have none of those things yet I'm still here. Why?

I don't even have the energy to argue with anyone anymore. I don't care if you don't care. I don't care if you lie. I don't care if you don't want me. I'm sick of begging for love. Little matters to me right now.

"If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things." I can't force anyone to do it. But I do it. And in the process of doing it I've fucked up my life.

I have nobody. I feel nothing. I want nothing more than to wollow in my own nothingness peacefully.

I have never been this scared. What am I going to do? I don't have ANY money. NOBODY is ready to move out so I'll have no roomate. How am I going to keep my grades up if I have to work every day and if I have to move out right before exams?

I hate it.

My weekend was really fun yet it rings hollow after the above. It was ruined by a lie and now that lie has been overcome by an empty life given by an empty emotion.

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10:04 am
I have to be out of the house in May.

I don't know what to do. I'm so scared.

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Friday, January 16th, 2004
8:33 am - BeOtch
haa work was fun last night. Only not so much because we were doing a "depression" survey and it was hell. But I learned a few things from it so that was cool. Hahahaha Gonzo's a DORK.
omg sarah is being a bitch. this morning SOON as we left the house she was all "I can't deal with this shit today" so I'm thinking ok today isn't a talking day thats cool....when I realize I had walked ahead a little bit I stopped and turned around to say if you walk a little faster I'll walk a little slower and she's all "IM NOT WALKING ANY FUCKING FASTER THEN THIS TODAY" before I could even speak. so i'm like "well its not my problem if you 'can't deal with me' today...I havn't done anything so have fun walking alone." and then I walked ahead and she turned around and went home. Fuck its not my fault if she didn't get to stay home for NO REASON today. fuck. I swear if she used me as an excuse I'll get pissed.

omg. I have NEVER (never) heard patrick cry before. It was the saddest thing in the world. I hope he works through this....people just aren't worth it man. <3

ew omg that random that's giving me money asked for my number. I'm like "i don't have a number sorry" and hes like "is something wrong" bahahhahahahha EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWw.

OMG WOMP. yayayyaya.


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